Regrets

I have regrets in my life.

I have this regret, which I am unsure if I want to resolve it.

That's right, you would probably say, who didn't have one?

It all started 2 years ago. Back then, I was very happy with my French boyfriend. I was a Mini Club G.O then, life was beautiful to me. Then, it didn't stay beautiful for long.

Mini Club job was difficult, I started getting sick every now and then, me and my boyfriend kept arguing. He's in France, and me in Malaysia. It was difficult, both of us was young. My body kept getting weaker and weaker by day. Then he joined Club Med as Asst. Restaurant Manager. Let's call him W. We get along well once we know each other. It turns out he was my senior, from Taylor's College as well so we have many things to talk about. He also enjoyed partying like me, so we enjoyed each other's company very much.

Then, my leisure service manager Raphy pissed me off. I still remember, that time, I was sick. He called to my room, and actually tell me that if I can walk to infirmary, I can walk to work. When I was so sick, he said that to me. And after many discussions with my boyfriend then and my family, I went to the HR and gave a 24 hours notice to quit. I remembered talking to him, at the corridor, we both lived on the same block, G block all my unhappiness in CM then. He listened quietly, and talk to me about it, I was 19, and he's 23. My French bf was very happy that I quit, because he didn't like me doing GM contact very much.

I went back to Kuala Lumpur, and managed to find a job with Berjaya Times Square as a Sales Coordinator. I thought it all would went well after, I would start saving and my French bf too, so he could come down to Msia and we live together happily ever after. Too bad, life is no fairy tale.

We continued to argue day by day, and finally he wanted to break up with me again. I was so depressed. I sacrificed my dream job for him, G.O was everything I wanted to be then.

I started to text with W. Everyday, he would call me after he finished his work at the restaurant, and we would talk and laugh together. Finally, we decided to give it a try, a chance for both of us. But that time, I am still attached to that French bf, let's call him B. So, I maintained the same level of attention to B, and when I have that extra time I reserved it for W. Everytime I argue with B, I go to W, and everything would be alright. Finally, it was few days to my birthday. I kept telling W how much I want to go to this island, Langkawi. So being a G.O I know just how difficult it is to get holidays, let alone my birthday is in December, 3 days before Christmas to be exact, to get a holiday it was almost impossible. So, W he didn't take day off for 2 weeks, so he can accumulate his day off to celebrate my birthday with me. i remembered, he arranged everything, transportation, lodging etc and even the night before he called me to make sure if we should go etc, and I told him, I would show up. But that morning, I didn't. I did not show up. I did not call. I did not text. He didn't call me as well. Nothing. Just like that.

The reason I did not show up, was my French bf that time, he was sick, so he demanded me to stay on Skype with him, as usual, I couldn't say NO. At the same time, I don't know how to say I cannot make it to W who planned and did so much for me. I was stupid that time. If only I called, or texted, making up some excuses that I couldn't make it and make it up to him, will it be different now? At that time, I had to make a choice between B & W, I picked B. How idiotic. Should've known long distance doesn't work. 7 months, is all we both can take.

B cheated on me after, and we broke up for good. That time, past 4 months. During that 4 months, I did not have any guts to say sorry to W, or to even have anything to do with him. I would've been so pissed off if someone did that to me. But he didn't say anything to me. But when I broke up with B, I finally said sorry to W. I ask him to be back together. He was very cold to me then. He said to me, everything I argue with my bf I go to him, what is him to me. I ask for another chance, and all he said was feelings are very subjective, if he still have feelings for me, he would've gave me a thousand chances. Feelings are gone, so there's nothing can be done about it. I understand what he was saying, and so I walk away from both B & W's life.

I got promoted to Event's Executive at Prince Hotel. I went to be the Boutique Team of opening hotel of Golden Palm Tree Sepang, and I finally went back to Club Med as a Reception G.O, something I applied for 2 years ago. So many things happened in this 2 years time. And, same with W. Well we keep contact every now and then, so I know he left Club Med too, working in Penang and now in Geographer, Melaka. In this 2 years time, I had my fair amount of flings and guys, and I believe him too.

Earlier this year, July, I went to Melaka for vacation. I stayed with him, and he took such great care of me. Everywhere I go, he carried my bag for me. He paid for my meals. I just need to tell him what I want, and he'll get it for me. I went for 1 night, and that night, apparently his house got no electricity, well, I always believe something happens for a reason. That night, we slept together. It just happened. 2 years ago, we were together, and he never touch me before. And the next day, we are back like normal friends. Between us, we never mention our past, it's like a taboo. It's like a sensitive issue of racism, we know it exists, but we never mention it. We choose to ignore the past, and just let it be as how it is now.

2 days ago, I went to Malacca again. I always tell people how I loved Malacca for it's food etc, but God knows my real reason to Malacca is just to see him. But this time would be the last, because I am leaving to Club Med Sahoro in Japan, next season, and I am not sure when i will be back to Malaysia again. He always take a great care of me, when I am in Malacca. This time I stayed at my other friend's place. I went to his workplace, with my friend Keagan, and waited there for him to finish his work. After he finished his work, he came over to my place, and we talked and talked and talked about everything, me him and Keagan until 4.30 am accompanied by Jim Beam. We were all drinking in my room. I fell asleep while talking to them, and both of them continued talking till 6am, I guess. Then, W he came to my room after, cuddling me from behind, and that night we did it again. Even though the next morning we always wake up normal.

There's many things I couldn't write down here. All in my head. But I'm very difficult to fall in love after breaking up with B. This 2 years, I only play around, nothing serious. But everytime I come back from Malacca, i cannot help feeling like I want to shoot myself in the head. how could I choose B over him. When me & W talk, he would openly tell me about him and another girls, like how another girl want him to be her bf, etc, and how impatient he is in courting a girl, if a girl is not showing interest he move on to another girl. How he would act on a girl if one girl is showing interest to him. like he said, which cat doesn't want a fish. Why would he do such thing to me and the next day tell me about all this like a normal friend? What is in his mind? So many things I want to ask him, but I am not sure if I am ready to face the answer. I am not ready to risk losing him. People say, our relationship now is considered very good compared to many other couples out there, it could've been way worst. It's true, but my situation now is also not very bearable. Go on with this situation without ending, or with bad or happy ending, which one do I prefer? they say, If I love him set him free, I set him free 2 years ago, so what are we now?

Afterwards, I finally learned how to love
It's a shame you disappeared into the sea of faces.
Afterwards, though all the tears, I finally understood
That you can only miss somebody once.

That night you kissed me
Letting me in my future days, when I feel like sighing
To always remember that day's starlight

That love then, why was it so simple like that?
And also, why when we are young
Must we let those whom we love be hurt?
On this similar deep of night, are you the same?
Also feeling the quiet hurt of regret?
If at the time we could have been less stubborn
We would not feel regret now

How are you remembering me? Does it bring you laughter or silence?
These past years, was there someone who could let you not be lonely?

It will never happen again.
To have that boy in love with that girl.

I finally understood now.